Being a single person, I once thought about trying  to have a baby.  Go thru invitro, etc., but  it was never meant to be, and that was a part of God’s master plan.

What God did for me, though, was bless me with 2 children of my heart.  My daughter, Cerina, came into my life when she was around 4 or 5.  There had been some family issues, and she just needed me and I  needed her.  The first time I got her to talk to me (she was quite shy around those she did not know), she curled up on my lap and snuggled in.  I could say ....and the rest is history……but there is a lot more :)   Cerina  spent as much time with me as she could, and as I could work into my schedule. She was cute, and stubborn, and sweet and strong willed all rolled in to one.   She loved me unconditionally, as I did/do her.    She lived with me for a while as a teen (oh my!  Enough said)  I moved her to college, I saw her thru some  rough times in the transition from teenager to adult.  I watched her  become a mom,  go thru a separation, hurt. Then I watched as she blossomed when she fell in love with the man who is her life mate.  She blessed me with a beautiful grand daughter  and a son-in-law.   We have had ups and downs… tears and laughter…  disagreements… bonding…happy and sad times. We have shared joys and sorrows.

And then there is my son of my heart………. Isaac.  at two months old, he would come to me and snuggle up.  He only wanted his momma  when he was hungry.  I kept him overnight at 8 months old.  He spent Sunday afternoons with me, sat beside me in church.  Told me at the age of 4 that he was going to marry me when he grew up.  Stole my heart, he did.  He brought joy and laughter everywhere he went.  He loved going to the farm with me,  He was blonde and blue eyed and adorable.  Even at the age of 8  or 10, Isaac worked hard to help me do things around my yard, and as he grew, he worked even harder helping me.  When he was almost 11 , he started going to Colorado with me each summer, to help my ant with a school reunion (catering).  The older generation loved him ,and always  commented on how nice and helpful he was, and always willing to work. ( he has an awesome mom and dad who have taught him well). At 15, he told me,  “remember when you said I had to be taller than you to marry you?” “Yes, I do” “well, I don’t’ think I am going to be taller than you.”   Heartbreak.  I knew that day was coming when he would realize he was not going to marry me, but alas………… (I really was okay with it ):)   Isaac has continued to grow into a fine young man……now almost 19, AND taller than me, and not afraid to dance with me at his brother’s wedding, or to hug me or his grandparents.  He is  the kind of young man every mother would dream of to have their daughter marry.  Smart, handsome, kind, hardworking, gentle, honest, trustworthy, truthful,  and a true man of God.

I could not have chosen better children to call “mine” .  God knew before time began that I would have no blood related children, but he also knew I would have two heart children, that would be just exactly what I needed, and who I needed. 

Family is not always by birth.  Family are those we hold near and dear to our hearts, those who have become a part of us.  Those  we have loved and do love unconditionally.

Today, I am learning first hand the heart ache of a mother. Who loves her child so much.  My heart daughter ‘s daddy is losing his battle with cancer, and all his children have been called to come say their farewells.  This is her daddy,  the man who has loved her all her life. Unconditionally.  The man who held her when she cried as a child. The man who she argued with and did not always agree.  The man who walked her down the aisle, and gave her  to her husband. The man who danced with her.  Then man who has always been her daddy, her hero.  I lost my daddy  almost 12 years ago, so I know how it hurts to watch them slip away.  And I know how my heart hurts to watch her watch her daddy slip away.  My eyes fill with tears as my heart child goes thru this hard time. I understand what it means to want to protect them from all things bad or sad or wrong.  

Hold tight to those you love .  Make amends, make memories and more than that say I love you.  Show that you love them.   Treasure them.  When they are gone, there is no going back. 

I love you, children of my heart.....Cerina, Brandon, Cydnee and Issac.  

I woke up feeling overwhelmed with life this morning, and as I struggled to  pray and seek God, all I could do was say , “God, you know my heart”..

and He has worked today.  I still have things to face, but my God is bigger and better than anything that comes my way. 

And that  is when he brought depression to mind, and it brought a flood of memories racing back.

I have struggled with depression for around 23 years now.

It has taken me down to the bottom several times, but only once so  deep into the dark recesses that I was sure there was no way out. It continues to  pop up here and there and nag at me from time to time. It can take me to a low I do not  understand. It causes feelings of  inadequacy and failure.  It makes you tired…physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It affects every area of your life.   It can make you quiet, introverted, unsocial.   It can irritate you, make you think things that are not true.  It can make you judgmental, but most of all it makes you feel like you are all alone in this world.  You believe no one else will ever understand.  People will tell you to “get over it and get on with life”  or that it is because you do not believe, or you have allowed satan access to your mind.  I was so so so guilty of thinking, and sadly sometimes saying those things to others before I dealt with depression in my own life.

My first “real encounter” with depression was with my dad.  He was grouchy, angry, tired and very judgmental all the time.  That  was his way of dealing with the depression.  We don’t always  know how to express what is truly going on inside.  My mom called me crying one day, and said, “I am putting daddy on medicine tonight for his depression”  He won’t go to the doctor and he won’t get help and I can’t take it anymore.   My beautiful, wonderful mother fought the battle for him, to begin with.  She stood strong by his side, she never gave up. She never complained.   I know she prayed her way thru it.   Dad “saw” the new pill that night, but he took it ….. and slowly, he came around. He began to talk to mom some  and he once told her, “the only reason I did not take my own life, was because of the grand-kids”.  He loved his grand-kids enough to hang on.   Once he began  the medicine, he had to take it till  he left us for heaven, but it did change him. He smiled again, he laughed.  He was still grouchy  at times, but aren’t we all?   I would learn as time passed, just how much mom  dealt with that she never shared at the time.  I also learned just how strong a woman she was, because of this.

My own personal encounter with depression began around the time that I lost my job with  Continental Airlines (CAL). I did not get fired. I got laid off, along with 40+ others.  CAL decided to close the Wichita station and therefore all 40+ employees  either  went on unemployment for a while, transferred to another city, or found a  new job, which is what I originally did, then ended up in Kansas City with CAL.  We were a family in Wichita. We saw each others good sides/bad sides. We worked  hard. We had fun.  We laughed, we cried, we could have shot each other, we disagreed, we agreed, we got mad, we got happy. But no matter what, we always had each others back.   Never before, and not since, have I worked with a group of people who were so close ( and still to this day we keep in touch and share joys and sorrows)

I stayed in KC for a year, before getting laid off there.  I came back to my home, which I had tried to sell and it did not (God knew I would need to come back to it )  I  was unemployed for about 5 months, then found a job in a preschool.  This new job, was part time, and half the hourly wage I had earned working for the airline. (I had been full time at the airline)

I did this for 3 years.  I never asked for handouts. I kept looking for another job.  I got behind on my house payments, I used credit cards to pay things til I was buried in debt.  The only things I really kept paid were the car payment and the  utility bills. I kept looking for another job, but nothing opened up.  I began sinking.  Slowly, slowly, slowly, til I was at the bottom. I plastered on a smile, not wanting the  world to know I was a failure.  Not wanting sympathy. I hid from others, because of how deep I was hurting, not because they did not care, which of course when we are at the bottom, we tend to get on our little pity pot and think that no one else loves us.  Not wanting  people to look at me like I was worthless.  Because, in my head and my heart, I felt worthless. I felt useless, I felt helpless, and every time I cried out to God, I felt like the prayers only went as high as the ceiling, if even that high. I screamed and railed at God.  I was locked inside this box in my mind.  After 3 years I got a new job (where I have now been for 18+ years.)  it took another ten years to dig out of that hole.   

I would  begin to see light, sometimes a glimmer, sometimes a ray, sometimes the whole sun. Then the darkness would wrap me in its depths again. Shutting out any light that had filtered thru. Sometimes it felt like I was suffocating under the weight of this darkness.  Thru everything I plastered on a smile, so no one would know what  was going on deep inside of me.  It wasn’t until my best friend was losing her battle with cancer, that I finally went to my doctor . I talked. He listened and then prescribed a medicine, that I  was able to take for only 3 weeks.   (I took myself off of it cause I was literally falling asleep at my desk – head bobbing and all, I COULD NOT stay awake   BUT I DO NOT suggest you take yourself off your meds… the Dr. was not happy with me ) but it was enough time on the meds to readjust the chemicals in my brain.  I have never gone so far down since, and that has been 10 years.  I have dipped into the darkness,  but there has always been a ray of light to hold onto. 

Life has  a way of being  overwhelming at times.  I bought a house this year, and moved.  I am a pack rat , so that  in  itself speaks volumes. :)  I love my new home, but it needs lots of TLC and  I  look around and then I think, I can never get this done, so then I feel defeated and want to give up.  I don’t have the finances readily available to do everything at once, so I have to save up for that also.

I now know though, that I can cry out to God, and he hears me even when I think he doesn’t.  In the last 20+ years, I have grown in my walk with Jesus, and that  for me,  has helped.

Sometimes all I can say is “God I need you. Hear my hearts cry, because I don’t’ know what words to use” .   he hears, he answers, he loves me. .  More so now, it is a feeling of being overwhelmed with the obstacles of life, and just needing to find a quiet place where I can find peace and rest in the shelter of my Savior’s arms. 

I pray that if you are facing  depression.  Start talking to the Shepherd (Jesus) He hears our words, our cries, our screams, our groaning.  Find someone to talk to.   Find someone that will  listen and not judge. Someone who will pray with you and for you.  And Never be afraid to go talk to your doctor.   It is not wrong to need medicine. It is not an enigma against you to be on meds for depression.  There but for God’s grace, I could still be on them, and if I needed to , I would be.  We can plaster on all the smiles we need to, but when our heart and  mind are hurting, a smile will not take the pain away. 

Be kind…Smile.  Look at someone “eyeball to eyeball”, in the infamous words of the wonderful Joe Schultz who is now with Jesus.   We don’t know what path another is walking.  So show kindness and speak love.

Psalm 61:3 For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.

Psalm 91: 1-2,4

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

⁴ He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

I’m not complaining so please don’t’ take this  note that way.

If you have the honor or pleasure of  having a husband,  please cherish them and thank them for all they do for you.

I dreamed of getting married, raising a family, but that is not what God chose for me. I am content to be single (and now say if I ever do get married, we might have to live in separate houses—since I am quite set in my ways LOL)

I love my independence.  The freedom to do what I want, when I want.  To go where I want  without worrying about what another wants to do.  No compromising :)

What I wish I had, was the moral support of a husband.  A man like my daddy, who could solve any problem.  A husband to share the  daily struggles with.  A man to help pay the bills.

A man to take care of the car troubles that tend  to plague me at times.  The issues  that crop up when you are a homeowner.  Living as a single lady, I don’t always have the financial freedoms that others do, who  have a husband ( and some families struggle like I do ,too, yet they still have another to lean on to get thru)

And as I age, I realize I can no longer do all the hard , physical labor  things I did before. I don’t’ have the strength I once had.  And seriously, I have begun to think that my time working on the farm and at the airport, on the ramp, in and out of the aircraft bins,  moving heavy bags, and freight was not wise or helpful to my body.  Uncle Arthur has moved in and some days are diamonds, some are stone.  Yet, I carry on.  Doing what I can and praying I don’t hurt myself when I do more than I should.   As a single person, it is also hard to always find someone to help, because others have lives, too, and are busy.  It would be nice to have two incomes, or even a husband who worked and I stayed home and “crafted” all the time. LOL

The road gets weary at times,  trying to balance the budget, make ends meet when they are miles apart,  dealing  with  people in this world who still think women are inferior and don’t’ know much.     There are times it would be wonderful to hand everything over to a husband, and say, “here, honey, you deal with all this”.

But, alas, I cannot do that.   I am not sorry for the way my life has been.    There are times I wish I had that “special someone” to lean on,   and I do, because I have Jesus to lean on  thru everything, but to have a “physical body” to fold me in their arms and hold me  would be a treat.  Maybe that is why  I have an abundance of dogs. They love me unconditionally. They hug me…or  smother me, not sure which, and  God  spelled  backwards is dog……………so there has to be something there.  :) ;) 

II Corinthians 4:17

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

Each thing …object.... heartache…struggle..... stumbling block that we see as a thorn in our side,  is really our thorn, our light affliction, and if we  handle it right, if we trust God, if we have faith, that He will see us thru it all, then it is what helps Christ shine brighter thru our lives. 

What we see as afflictions, are not meant to harm us,  but are meant to  draw us closer to Christ.

Paul’s affliction in the New Testament kept him humble, and kept him seeking Christ.  When we allow those afflictions to draw us nearer to God, and stronger in our faith, then  Christ can “bloom” and become  that beautiful rose, that grows  amidst the thorny patchwork of our lives..

So, if this is my affliction, that I need to be strong as a single person, then it is an honor to serve Christ in this manner. To be willing to be his humble servant ( with emphasis on learning humility) :) It is an  honor to be afflicted, as He teaches me patience, kindness, faithfulness, joy, servitude. 

“Oh, Father, may I daily learn to lean on you, to trust you, to do whatever I do to honor and glorify you. To be less about me, and all about you. “

I will start with this post I recently shared on facebook.  In our grief of losing a loved one, I have learned that we never quite know what will cause a tear to roll down our cheek, or a smile to cross our face, or laughter to come from our lips.    Or when.  A week, a year, 30 months, 5 years, when that memory will come back to light and remind us of the precious one we have lost.  A sign, a picture, a friend, a Bible verse, a song,  might be the trigger to bringing up the memory. Whatever it is, cherish those memories and  remember how loved you were.


The Little Green Cup
It is just an ordinary green cup. Tupperware. Kid size. It holds 11 pills, mainly vitamins.
For almost 7 years it sat quietly on the bathroom shelf. Never touched. Never moved.
Now it sits on the vanity in my bedroom. Still holding those same 11 pills.
One dust bunny removed. The pills are aged, cracked, beginning to disassemble.
Yet still it sits.
My hand held it recently. Held it over the trash can. Staring at the pills, I tried to tip it and let the pills roll in to the trash. My hand would not move. My eyes clouded with tears. I could not let go, of a simple green cup with 11 pills.
The last pills for mom, before Jesus took her home.
I have let go of the pill bottles …old vitamins, prescripts….. I have trashed papers, given away her clothes, or turned her clothes into quilts for family. But, for some insane reason, I cannot let go of a green cup with 11 pills.
I have berated myself, called myself crazy, I have analyzed myself, argued with myself and I have cried over this one silly green cup with 11 pills.
Some day, I will be able to let go, but for now, that one green cup with 11 pills sits quietly on my vanity, to be seen by me each morning as I prepare for the day.
It has become a reminder of the 2nd greatest gift I have ever been given.
Jesus saving me was the greatest gift.
God giving me the mom and dad he chose for me was the 2nd greatest gift. The green cup sits as a reminder of who I am, where I came from, and the legacy I have been given to follow and fulfill.
Some day, the little green cup will be emptied, and washed and put into the cupboard.
Someday, but not today.