I woke up feeling overwhelmed with life this morning, and as I struggled to  pray and seek God, all I could do was say , “God, you know my heart”..

and He has worked today.  I still have things to face, but my God is bigger and better than anything that comes my way. 

And that  is when he brought depression to mind, and it brought a flood of memories racing back.

I have struggled with depression for around 23 years now.

It has taken me down to the bottom several times, but only once so  deep into the dark recesses that I was sure there was no way out. It continues to  pop up here and there and nag at me from time to time. It can take me to a low I do not  understand. It causes feelings of  inadequacy and failure.  It makes you tired…physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It affects every area of your life.   It can make you quiet, introverted, unsocial.   It can irritate you, make you think things that are not true.  It can make you judgmental, but most of all it makes you feel like you are all alone in this world.  You believe no one else will ever understand.  People will tell you to “get over it and get on with life”  or that it is because you do not believe, or you have allowed satan access to your mind.  I was so so so guilty of thinking, and sadly sometimes saying those things to others before I dealt with depression in my own life.

My first “real encounter” with depression was with my dad.  He was grouchy, angry, tired and very judgmental all the time.  That  was his way of dealing with the depression.  We don’t always  know how to express what is truly going on inside.  My mom called me crying one day, and said, “I am putting daddy on medicine tonight for his depression”  He won’t go to the doctor and he won’t get help and I can’t take it anymore.   My beautiful, wonderful mother fought the battle for him, to begin with.  She stood strong by his side, she never gave up. She never complained.   I know she prayed her way thru it.   Dad “saw” the new pill that night, but he took it ….. and slowly, he came around. He began to talk to mom some  and he once told her, “the only reason I did not take my own life, was because of the grand-kids”.  He loved his grand-kids enough to hang on.   Once he began  the medicine, he had to take it till  he left us for heaven, but it did change him. He smiled again, he laughed.  He was still grouchy  at times, but aren’t we all?   I would learn as time passed, just how much mom  dealt with that she never shared at the time.  I also learned just how strong a woman she was, because of this.

My own personal encounter with depression began around the time that I lost my job with  Continental Airlines (CAL). I did not get fired. I got laid off, along with 40+ others.  CAL decided to close the Wichita station and therefore all 40+ employees  either  went on unemployment for a while, transferred to another city, or found a  new job, which is what I originally did, then ended up in Kansas City with CAL.  We were a family in Wichita. We saw each others good sides/bad sides. We worked  hard. We had fun.  We laughed, we cried, we could have shot each other, we disagreed, we agreed, we got mad, we got happy. But no matter what, we always had each others back.   Never before, and not since, have I worked with a group of people who were so close ( and still to this day we keep in touch and share joys and sorrows)

I stayed in KC for a year, before getting laid off there.  I came back to my home, which I had tried to sell and it did not (God knew I would need to come back to it )  I  was unemployed for about 5 months, then found a job in a preschool.  This new job, was part time, and half the hourly wage I had earned working for the airline. (I had been full time at the airline)

I did this for 3 years.  I never asked for handouts. I kept looking for another job.  I got behind on my house payments, I used credit cards to pay things til I was buried in debt.  The only things I really kept paid were the car payment and the  utility bills. I kept looking for another job, but nothing opened up.  I began sinking.  Slowly, slowly, slowly, til I was at the bottom. I plastered on a smile, not wanting the  world to know I was a failure.  Not wanting sympathy. I hid from others, because of how deep I was hurting, not because they did not care, which of course when we are at the bottom, we tend to get on our little pity pot and think that no one else loves us.  Not wanting  people to look at me like I was worthless.  Because, in my head and my heart, I felt worthless. I felt useless, I felt helpless, and every time I cried out to God, I felt like the prayers only went as high as the ceiling, if even that high. I screamed and railed at God.  I was locked inside this box in my mind.  After 3 years I got a new job (where I have now been for 18+ years.)  it took another ten years to dig out of that hole.   

I would  begin to see light, sometimes a glimmer, sometimes a ray, sometimes the whole sun. Then the darkness would wrap me in its depths again. Shutting out any light that had filtered thru. Sometimes it felt like I was suffocating under the weight of this darkness.  Thru everything I plastered on a smile, so no one would know what  was going on deep inside of me.  It wasn’t until my best friend was losing her battle with cancer, that I finally went to my doctor . I talked. He listened and then prescribed a medicine, that I  was able to take for only 3 weeks.   (I took myself off of it cause I was literally falling asleep at my desk – head bobbing and all, I COULD NOT stay awake   BUT I DO NOT suggest you take yourself off your meds… the Dr. was not happy with me ) but it was enough time on the meds to readjust the chemicals in my brain.  I have never gone so far down since, and that has been 10 years.  I have dipped into the darkness,  but there has always been a ray of light to hold onto. 

Life has  a way of being  overwhelming at times.  I bought a house this year, and moved.  I am a pack rat , so that  in  itself speaks volumes. :)  I love my new home, but it needs lots of TLC and  I  look around and then I think, I can never get this done, so then I feel defeated and want to give up.  I don’t have the finances readily available to do everything at once, so I have to save up for that also.

I now know though, that I can cry out to God, and he hears me even when I think he doesn’t.  In the last 20+ years, I have grown in my walk with Jesus, and that  for me,  has helped.

Sometimes all I can say is “God I need you. Hear my hearts cry, because I don’t’ know what words to use” .   he hears, he answers, he loves me. .  More so now, it is a feeling of being overwhelmed with the obstacles of life, and just needing to find a quiet place where I can find peace and rest in the shelter of my Savior’s arms. 

I pray that if you are facing  depression.  Start talking to the Shepherd (Jesus) He hears our words, our cries, our screams, our groaning.  Find someone to talk to.   Find someone that will  listen and not judge. Someone who will pray with you and for you.  And Never be afraid to go talk to your doctor.   It is not wrong to need medicine. It is not an enigma against you to be on meds for depression.  There but for God’s grace, I could still be on them, and if I needed to , I would be.  We can plaster on all the smiles we need to, but when our heart and  mind are hurting, a smile will not take the pain away. 

Be kind…Smile.  Look at someone “eyeball to eyeball”, in the infamous words of the wonderful Joe Schultz who is now with Jesus.   We don’t know what path another is walking.  So show kindness and speak love.

Psalm 61:3 For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.

Psalm 91: 1-2,4

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

⁴ He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.