Saturday, May 1, 2010
Written about Mom on 7-09-09 Thursday.
I am finally feeling like writing on my blog again, after such a long hiatus. :)
this lengthy article is what I wrote a week after losing mom. It has been 10 months now. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes longer. I will be spending time with my Aunt on the first anniversary of moms passing. I need to be away.
7-09-09, Thursday.
Little did I know that Friday morning, June 26, 2009, as I left for work, and said "Goodbye mom, I love you. I will see you at lunch", to which she replied, as she normally did. "bye Sharon, I love you, too", that this day would be anything but normal.
Little more than 2 hours later, I would find myself rushing home after receiving a call at work from Deanna saying that she had called 911 because, "MeMa is breathing erratically". I arrived home right behind the ambulance. Mom was sitting on the toilet where Deanna had gotten her to from the shower. She had started to collapse on Deanna while in the shower. . She had her jammie top on and she kept saying "help me". She could not sit up straight, and she was very cold and clammy. I asked her if she hurt anywhere, and she answered, "no.". When I tried to put panties on her, before she went in the ambulance, she could not stand. Her legs would not hold her up. She kept saying "help me, help me, help me", and one of the ambulance guys kept rudely asking "why does she keep saying that?" I had to repeat to him several times that she had dementia, but it seemed to make no difference to him. He was not my favorite person that day!
The other 2 EMT"s got her on the chair and to a waiting gurney outside. Looking back, I think she was leaving me already by the time she was on the gurney, but at that time, I had no idea how bad the situation was. they asked me if mom Had a DNR and I said no. It did not register that it was that bad.
I grabbed moms folder of papers and followed the ambulance to the hospital. I dropped my stuff in the hallway and went o hold moms hand. I said, "mom, please don't leave me, cause I'm not leaving you. the ER nurse was very kind and caring. She took me aside when they called a code blue, and explained things to me. She asked me if mom had a DNR. All I could find was her living will. They said, "you have to make a decision". I said, "do all you can, but no life support." I was still not comprehending the graveness of the situation.
I left the ER to retrieve my cell phone and call my sister. I told her it was bad. My pastor had just arrived and was standing with me in the hall, when the Dr. came out and placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Shes gone." I cried and cried. I'm not sure I really believed it yet.
Sandy said I called her at 10:46 to tell her mom was gone. that would have been about 30-45 minutes from the time 911 was called. those minutes seemed like an eternity.
No time to say goodbye, or as a believer, to say goodnight, no time to say you were the best, Mom! the cream of the crop, no time to say thank you, for all she did for me. I did get to say I love you. I think she heard me. Even if she didn't hear me, she knew that!
Moms last words to me were "help me!". Bittersweet are the words that could irritate me the most, yet were her last spoken words.
I know the moment moms life ended here on earth, she was in the presence of her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. She was united again with daddy and her babies. Maybe she knew her time was close. She had been talking about dad and Calvin more.
Still in disbelief, I sat by moms side, first with Pastor, Deanna and Bryanna, then with Rachel, as we waited on Sandy and Karen to arrive. When Rachel arrived, her eyes were bright with tears, and she said, "not teras for Mema, but for me". I had taken mom to ML on Wed night to watch Corbin, Cade and Camryn play Tball, and Rachel almost came down, but did not, so she did not get to see mom that night. But, mom got to see her sister-in-law, Joye, and niece Sheri, and the rest of the family, among others. But, how were we to know on Wed. night that moms days were numbered.
I am reminded of scripture that says, "Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom" We know not when our time is. Are we ready to meet Jesus?
As Rachel and I sat, one on each side of mom, holding her hands, hands that were now cold, in death, that once held so much life, we began to rebuild the bond that time has had a way of breaking down. Not form bad things, or by fault of anyone, but from the busyness of life. we talked, we laughed, we shed a tear or tow. Rachel said, as she held Memas hand, "Meme (her other grandma) is the reason I wanted to be a nurse. Mema is the reason I am in church." What an honor for mom. What a legacy she can leave behind.
After Sandy and Karen arrived, we sat a little longer with mom. I cried as we left. This time, mom was not going home from ER with me. this time, I was going home alone.
Time has a way of spinning on around us, going on as we endure through the numbness , the grief, the pain.
Surrounded by friends and family, I said goodnite one more time to mom on June 29th. Laying her mortal body to rest between dad and Calvin. Heaven is that much nearer and dearer to me now.
As I sit here in moms room, the quietness engulfs me like a fog. Moms voice, now stilled on earth, can no longer yell "help me", or say, "I love you, too", or "Whats on TV", or "wheres my music?", or pray at bedtime, "Help Sharon to get up and fix my breakfast in the morning. "....that was her nightly prayer when I tucked her in each night.
And, now that Merci is gone, too. the silence is even louder. No back talking from the dog, no biting kisses to greet me, no loud barking at everyone who enters or passes by.
I am cuddling my new puppy, Mazee, as Gracie lays quietly beside me. Sitting on moms bed, covered with a quilt made with love by her sister Marty, I quietly reflect on a life well lived.
mom was the best. She was the cream of the crop. She loved unconditionally; gave of her time with out complaint. She very seldom, if ever raised her voice in anger (a lesson I did not learn well from her :) ) I honestly don't remember her ever spanking me.....it was enough for her to say, "want me to tell dad when he gets home?" Mom was not fancy in any way. She did not need a lot of material possessions, although her home looked otherwise. That was because she grew up in the depression, and you kept everything, as you might be able to use it later. She was loving and patient with my sister and I. She handled quietly the rubber spiders and snakes in the clothespin bag, Her house was not immaculate, nor was it filthy, It was messy, and had a very lived in feeling. I have had some people say. "your moms house reminds me of my grandmas".He home was a place where you felt welcome, and you could relax. She faced hardships with a faith in Christ that is not widely seen.
She believed with all her heart in our heavenly Father. She lived a quiet life of faith, never afraid to share Christ with others, always willing to work hard, to give, to serve to lead by example.
mom worked hard all her life, never complaining, never saying in the midst of struggles or hard times that God dealt her a bad hand. Never saying what it?, never blaming others. She took life as it came to her, and she always trusted that God would supply and meet their needs.
In 2007, when moms hip broke, and the decision was made to move her in with me, although I knew it was the right thing to do, I also knew the selfish side of me did not want to give up my freedom, my independence. I did not want tied down with mom.
As time passed and we settled into a routine, I did enjoy having lunch ready over my lunch hour, and having help with the laundry and dishes.. Mom wanted to be useful, and helpful.
About a year after mom moved in I began to see that we might be dealing with dementia or Alzheimer's. One evening, after arriving home form work, mom was cooking supper and she repeated one phrase to me 20 time sin 30 minutes. "I thought if you would wash my red slacks, then I could just wear them to church on Sunday." Believe me, it was 20 times. I counted.
When I first realized we might be heading down the unknown path of dementia, I was embarrassed for myself. What if mom embarrassed me in public? I would be mortified. i knew our family would love her thru this time, but what of others? My thoughts turned to, "Will people make fun of her?", "Will I need ot protect her?" Mom never embarrassed me and I was never mortified. I was a few times upset, because my heart ached for mom. had she known some of the things hse did, it would have embarrassed her. Mom loved me unconditionally, and I'm sure I must have embarrassed her at times when I was young. how could I do less that love her unconditionally thru this stage in her life?
Our church family embraced mom with open arms and loved her unconditionally. She became Mema, not Violet, to her church family. Even as her mind wandered, and her memory faded, she was still my mom, and she was still loved. She always knew the hymns in church, and followed along in her Bible. That never left her. She would ask Ed almost every Sunday, "How do I look", to which he would reply, "You look fine"..
These last two years have been an honor and a blessing for me. To serve my mom and be blessed beyond measure because of it. I cannot say it was always joyous on my part or that I was always patient, but I always loved my mom.
God allowed me in a small way to repay mom for all the love and sacrifices she and dad made for me throughout my life. two years was not enough. I kept my promise to dad to take care of mom after he was gone. No matter how much time we have with them, it is never enough.
A mothers love runs strong and deep.
Channeled from heart to heart.
In memory of mom. Violet Viros Trembly Moss 1-8-1933 to 6-26-2009.
this lengthy article is what I wrote a week after losing mom. It has been 10 months now. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes longer. I will be spending time with my Aunt on the first anniversary of moms passing. I need to be away.
7-09-09, Thursday.
Little did I know that Friday morning, June 26, 2009, as I left for work, and said "Goodbye mom, I love you. I will see you at lunch", to which she replied, as she normally did. "bye Sharon, I love you, too", that this day would be anything but normal.
Little more than 2 hours later, I would find myself rushing home after receiving a call at work from Deanna saying that she had called 911 because, "MeMa is breathing erratically". I arrived home right behind the ambulance. Mom was sitting on the toilet where Deanna had gotten her to from the shower. She had started to collapse on Deanna while in the shower. . She had her jammie top on and she kept saying "help me". She could not sit up straight, and she was very cold and clammy. I asked her if she hurt anywhere, and she answered, "no.". When I tried to put panties on her, before she went in the ambulance, she could not stand. Her legs would not hold her up. She kept saying "help me, help me, help me", and one of the ambulance guys kept rudely asking "why does she keep saying that?" I had to repeat to him several times that she had dementia, but it seemed to make no difference to him. He was not my favorite person that day!
The other 2 EMT"s got her on the chair and to a waiting gurney outside. Looking back, I think she was leaving me already by the time she was on the gurney, but at that time, I had no idea how bad the situation was. they asked me if mom Had a DNR and I said no. It did not register that it was that bad.
I grabbed moms folder of papers and followed the ambulance to the hospital. I dropped my stuff in the hallway and went o hold moms hand. I said, "mom, please don't leave me, cause I'm not leaving you. the ER nurse was very kind and caring. She took me aside when they called a code blue, and explained things to me. She asked me if mom had a DNR. All I could find was her living will. They said, "you have to make a decision". I said, "do all you can, but no life support." I was still not comprehending the graveness of the situation.
I left the ER to retrieve my cell phone and call my sister. I told her it was bad. My pastor had just arrived and was standing with me in the hall, when the Dr. came out and placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Shes gone." I cried and cried. I'm not sure I really believed it yet.
Sandy said I called her at 10:46 to tell her mom was gone. that would have been about 30-45 minutes from the time 911 was called. those minutes seemed like an eternity.
No time to say goodbye, or as a believer, to say goodnight, no time to say you were the best, Mom! the cream of the crop, no time to say thank you, for all she did for me. I did get to say I love you. I think she heard me. Even if she didn't hear me, she knew that!
Moms last words to me were "help me!". Bittersweet are the words that could irritate me the most, yet were her last spoken words.
I know the moment moms life ended here on earth, she was in the presence of her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. She was united again with daddy and her babies. Maybe she knew her time was close. She had been talking about dad and Calvin more.
Still in disbelief, I sat by moms side, first with Pastor, Deanna and Bryanna, then with Rachel, as we waited on Sandy and Karen to arrive. When Rachel arrived, her eyes were bright with tears, and she said, "not teras for Mema, but for me". I had taken mom to ML on Wed night to watch Corbin, Cade and Camryn play Tball, and Rachel almost came down, but did not, so she did not get to see mom that night. But, mom got to see her sister-in-law, Joye, and niece Sheri, and the rest of the family, among others. But, how were we to know on Wed. night that moms days were numbered.
I am reminded of scripture that says, "Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom" We know not when our time is. Are we ready to meet Jesus?
As Rachel and I sat, one on each side of mom, holding her hands, hands that were now cold, in death, that once held so much life, we began to rebuild the bond that time has had a way of breaking down. Not form bad things, or by fault of anyone, but from the busyness of life. we talked, we laughed, we shed a tear or tow. Rachel said, as she held Memas hand, "Meme (her other grandma) is the reason I wanted to be a nurse. Mema is the reason I am in church." What an honor for mom. What a legacy she can leave behind.
After Sandy and Karen arrived, we sat a little longer with mom. I cried as we left. This time, mom was not going home from ER with me. this time, I was going home alone.
Time has a way of spinning on around us, going on as we endure through the numbness , the grief, the pain.
Surrounded by friends and family, I said goodnite one more time to mom on June 29th. Laying her mortal body to rest between dad and Calvin. Heaven is that much nearer and dearer to me now.
As I sit here in moms room, the quietness engulfs me like a fog. Moms voice, now stilled on earth, can no longer yell "help me", or say, "I love you, too", or "Whats on TV", or "wheres my music?", or pray at bedtime, "Help Sharon to get up and fix my breakfast in the morning. "....that was her nightly prayer when I tucked her in each night.
And, now that Merci is gone, too. the silence is even louder. No back talking from the dog, no biting kisses to greet me, no loud barking at everyone who enters or passes by.
I am cuddling my new puppy, Mazee, as Gracie lays quietly beside me. Sitting on moms bed, covered with a quilt made with love by her sister Marty, I quietly reflect on a life well lived.
mom was the best. She was the cream of the crop. She loved unconditionally; gave of her time with out complaint. She very seldom, if ever raised her voice in anger (a lesson I did not learn well from her :) ) I honestly don't remember her ever spanking me.....it was enough for her to say, "want me to tell dad when he gets home?" Mom was not fancy in any way. She did not need a lot of material possessions, although her home looked otherwise. That was because she grew up in the depression, and you kept everything, as you might be able to use it later. She was loving and patient with my sister and I. She handled quietly the rubber spiders and snakes in the clothespin bag, Her house was not immaculate, nor was it filthy, It was messy, and had a very lived in feeling. I have had some people say. "your moms house reminds me of my grandmas".He home was a place where you felt welcome, and you could relax. She faced hardships with a faith in Christ that is not widely seen.
She believed with all her heart in our heavenly Father. She lived a quiet life of faith, never afraid to share Christ with others, always willing to work hard, to give, to serve to lead by example.
mom worked hard all her life, never complaining, never saying in the midst of struggles or hard times that God dealt her a bad hand. Never saying what it?, never blaming others. She took life as it came to her, and she always trusted that God would supply and meet their needs.
In 2007, when moms hip broke, and the decision was made to move her in with me, although I knew it was the right thing to do, I also knew the selfish side of me did not want to give up my freedom, my independence. I did not want tied down with mom.
As time passed and we settled into a routine, I did enjoy having lunch ready over my lunch hour, and having help with the laundry and dishes.. Mom wanted to be useful, and helpful.
About a year after mom moved in I began to see that we might be dealing with dementia or Alzheimer's. One evening, after arriving home form work, mom was cooking supper and she repeated one phrase to me 20 time sin 30 minutes. "I thought if you would wash my red slacks, then I could just wear them to church on Sunday." Believe me, it was 20 times. I counted.
When I first realized we might be heading down the unknown path of dementia, I was embarrassed for myself. What if mom embarrassed me in public? I would be mortified. i knew our family would love her thru this time, but what of others? My thoughts turned to, "Will people make fun of her?", "Will I need ot protect her?" Mom never embarrassed me and I was never mortified. I was a few times upset, because my heart ached for mom. had she known some of the things hse did, it would have embarrassed her. Mom loved me unconditionally, and I'm sure I must have embarrassed her at times when I was young. how could I do less that love her unconditionally thru this stage in her life?
Our church family embraced mom with open arms and loved her unconditionally. She became Mema, not Violet, to her church family. Even as her mind wandered, and her memory faded, she was still my mom, and she was still loved. She always knew the hymns in church, and followed along in her Bible. That never left her. She would ask Ed almost every Sunday, "How do I look", to which he would reply, "You look fine"..
These last two years have been an honor and a blessing for me. To serve my mom and be blessed beyond measure because of it. I cannot say it was always joyous on my part or that I was always patient, but I always loved my mom.
God allowed me in a small way to repay mom for all the love and sacrifices she and dad made for me throughout my life. two years was not enough. I kept my promise to dad to take care of mom after he was gone. No matter how much time we have with them, it is never enough.
A mothers love runs strong and deep.
Channeled from heart to heart.
In memory of mom. Violet Viros Trembly Moss 1-8-1933 to 6-26-2009.
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