I'll meet you in the morning

This past week, while home sick, I watched alot of TV, and on the INSP network, the Gaither Homecoming Hour was on. As I watched one of several hours of the show, this particular hour was songs about heaven and seeing loved ones again.

The song, I'll meet you in the morning was playing. As the words, "Stand just inside the gate, for I will soon join you" were sung, I suddenly could picture Jesus saying. "Edgar, Calvin, little ones, Ben, Leola(moms parents), Guy, Lillian (dads parents) Cathy and May Ann, come with me. Violet is almost here." Jesus greeted mom, then the others all gathered round her with joy! The little ones I speak of are miscarried babies that I believe are in heaven, too. I know mom passed away over 1 1/2 yrs ago, but it was at this moment that I believe God chose to show me that so I could have a little 'extra" comfort right now.

Tears streamed down my face as I listened to that song, and in my mind saw mom rejoined with her family that has gone before. I have always known and believed that mom was in heaven, because she had accepted Christ as her Savior, but after mom passed away, I struggled with this. I don't know why, becasue I never struggled with believing that any of the others were in heaven.

I believe this was God's way of comforting me and allowing me to be able to rest in the knowledge that mom is indeed in heaven. Not that I did not already believe it. God just knew what i needed and when. He is a God of comfort.

The next song on the show was "I am longing for a place I have never seen............sweet Beulah land."

I am indeed longing for Beulah Land, where we will live forever, praising God. praising Jesus, the Lamb who was slain so that I might be given the opportunity to accept the free gift of salvation. All I had to do was admit I was a sinner, ask Jesus to cleanse my heart and come live within.

Tears fell that day. Tears of joy, not of sorrow. Thank you Jesus!

Would I change the past if I coudl?

I have spent time the last few weeks thinking about many things in my life. And I sometimes wonder, as we get older, and hit "mid-life", if that is why we begin to take stock of our lives, so to speak, and wonder what we could have changed or done differently.
I think the only thing I really would want to change are the years I rebelled against God. the years I chose to serve my sin, rather than my heavenly Father.
As I have now passed the half century mark in age by almost a year, I am beginning to understand why some people go thru a mid-life crisis. There but for the grace of God, go I, also. If I were not a born again believer in Jesus Christ, I might be very tempted to make alot of wrong decisions, wrong choices that would affect not only me, but others.
WHAT I WOULD CHANGE IF I COULD.
When, at the age of 17, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, I was saying that I believed that He is the one true God, that He died on the cross at Calvary that day 2000 years ago, for my sins, and that on July 19, 1977, He willingly and freely gave me the gift of eternal life when I admitted to Him, that I had sin, was a sinner and was repentant of my sins. I wanted Him to wash my heart white as snow. Jesus came to live in my heart that day, and then not only did my heart belong to Jesus, but ALL of me.
Several years later, I was to take control back of my life and live as I pleased for a time. It is true that there is pleasure in sin for a season, but when our heart and life belong to Christ he will not allow that sin to continue. When I gave up on Jesus and walked away, He NEVER gave up on me. And when I came back and recommitted my heart to Him, He welcomed me with open arms. I never lost my salvation when I walked away, but I lost my best friend for awhile. Jesus cannot look upon our sins and smile on us! How many tears has Jesus shed for me as He interceded to God on my behalf?
There have been consequences to my wrong choices, but once my heart was turned back to God, then I have been blessed beyond measure.
WHAT I WOULD NOT CHANGE
I would not change the parents or sister God gave me. I would have loved to have known my brother, but I will someday, of that I am sure. I would not trade my nieces or nephew, or their families for anything in this world. I love them all. I would not trade my extended family, either. Although, no family sees eye to eye on things, and there are disagreements, we are still family and we are bound by love!
The grandparents God gave me blessed me in many ways. Granddad Moss accepted Jesus as his Savior before he died, all because I was brave enough at the age of 4 to tell him he was going to tell if he didn't get saved. Oh, to be that blunt at 50! :) Grandma Moss once told me she loved me because I was a plain Jane. At first I thought to be offended, but then I realized she meant, I was who I was.. I was not fake... take me or leave. I am who I am. and still am that way today, I hope! Pa Trembly was a true man of great faith, of strong moral character and a man who believed in serving God with all his heart. In the early 80's, Pa was living in KS, staying with our family and Sawyers, and one day I had come in from the field for lunch. Pa met me at the door, took my hand in his, and with tears in his eyes said, "Thank you, Sharon, for living your life for God". Oh how those words came back to haunt me several years later when I was not living for Christ. I remembered them then, and always! Grandma trembly had mental health issues, and was not always "with it" for us, but I was blessed to have been able to spend time with her and Pa, and have her treat me like a princess. That is the only time I really remember Grandma being pretty "with it".
I would not change the church family God has given me, either. We all have our differences, but together we serve an awesome God, and He has given us each other. My church family has been there for me in ways I cannot begin to say. They have been my spiritual strength in difficult times, and have loved me. God has blessed me with a wonderful Pastor who has chosen to serve Christ with ALL his heart. and is a great example of Christ-like character to all who meet him.
I would not change where I have been or who I am now. I am stronger because of growing up on a farm. working hard. Not having all the luxuries of life. I am who I am because of the parents I had, who taught me right from wrong, took me to church, lived what they believed, and loved me unconditionally.
The only thing I would change with my parents, is to have had them with me longer. i miss them so much. I can see there smiles, hear their voices if I listen close.
I am blessed with a chosen son, Isaac, who has been like my child since he was a few months old. He has wonderful parents who have allowed me to be a part of his life and to love him and spoil him. His mom has even said at time.."Do you know what your son did this time?" How many parents so freely share their child's love without jealousy? Thank you Mac and Ali!
I am blessed with a chosen daughter, also, who has been a part of my life for almost 20 years now. Our stubborn streaks do mot mesh well at times, but I could not love her more if she were my own flesh and blood. I love you Cerina! She has blessed me with a beautiful granddaughter, now 4, who is a delight! this Grandma's heart swelled with
joy this past weke, as Cydnee said, "Grandma, when you are no longer with me, Jesus will with me wherever I go!" She is learning about Jesus. And she prayed the other night in her childhood innocence. "Dear Jesus, I love you Jesus and I love God and I love mommy. Amen!" I pray she will continue to learn of His love and accept Him as her Savior, too.
I am blessed with wonderful girl friends who listen to me, laugh with me, cry with me, and tell me I'm an idiot when I need to hear it!
I am blessed with my birth family, my church family and my friends. I am blessed to be one of God's children for all times! I am blessed to have a job, to be able to pay my bills, to live in a country where I can worship Jesus freely.
I guess all this came about because of all the recent Christan postings on face book and especially the one about starting a Christian revival on face book. As I thought about that, I thought where does a true revival begin? It begins in our hearts, not on paper, when we truly let Christ reign within us.
So, let the revival begin in me, in my heart and let me be willing to take a stand for Christ!

Written about Mom on 7-09-09 Thursday.

I am finally feeling like writing on my blog again, after such a long hiatus. :)

this lengthy article is what I wrote a week after losing mom. It has been 10 months now. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes longer. I will be spending time with my Aunt on the first anniversary of moms passing. I need to be away.

7-09-09, Thursday.
Little did I know that Friday morning, June 26, 2009, as I left for work, and said "Goodbye mom, I love you. I will see you at lunch", to which she replied, as she normally did. "bye Sharon, I love you, too", that this day would be anything but normal.
Little more than 2 hours later, I would find myself rushing home after receiving a call at work from Deanna saying that she had called 911 because, "MeMa is breathing erratically". I arrived home right behind the ambulance. Mom was sitting on the toilet where Deanna had gotten her to from the shower. She had started to collapse on Deanna while in the shower. . She had her jammie top on and she kept saying "help me". She could not sit up straight, and she was very cold and clammy. I asked her if she hurt anywhere, and she answered, "no.". When I tried to put panties on her, before she went in the ambulance, she could not stand. Her legs would not hold her up. She kept saying "help me, help me, help me", and one of the ambulance guys kept rudely asking "why does she keep saying that?" I had to repeat to him several times that she had dementia, but it seemed to make no difference to him. He was not my favorite person that day!
The other 2 EMT"s got her on the chair and to a waiting gurney outside. Looking back, I think she was leaving me already by the time she was on the gurney, but at that time, I had no idea how bad the situation was. they asked me if mom Had a DNR and I said no. It did not register that it was that bad.
I grabbed moms folder of papers and followed the ambulance to the hospital. I dropped my stuff in the hallway and went o hold moms hand. I said, "mom, please don't leave me, cause I'm not leaving you. the ER nurse was very kind and caring. She took me aside when they called a code blue, and explained things to me. She asked me if mom had a DNR. All I could find was her living will. They said, "you have to make a decision". I said, "do all you can, but no life support." I was still not comprehending the graveness of the situation.
I left the ER to retrieve my cell phone and call my sister. I told her it was bad. My pastor had just arrived and was standing with me in the hall, when the Dr. came out and placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Shes gone." I cried and cried. I'm not sure I really believed it yet.
Sandy said I called her at 10:46 to tell her mom was gone. that would have been about 30-45 minutes from the time 911 was called. those minutes seemed like an eternity.
No time to say goodbye, or as a believer, to say goodnight, no time to say you were the best, Mom! the cream of the crop, no time to say thank you, for all she did for me. I did get to say I love you. I think she heard me. Even if she didn't hear me, she knew that!
Moms last words to me were "help me!". Bittersweet are the words that could irritate me the most, yet were her last spoken words.
I know the moment moms life ended here on earth, she was in the presence of her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. She was united again with daddy and her babies. Maybe she knew her time was close. She had been talking about dad and Calvin more.
Still in disbelief, I sat by moms side, first with Pastor, Deanna and Bryanna, then with Rachel, as we waited on Sandy and Karen to arrive. When Rachel arrived, her eyes were bright with tears, and she said, "not teras for Mema, but for me". I had taken mom to ML on Wed night to watch Corbin, Cade and Camryn play Tball, and Rachel almost came down, but did not, so she did not get to see mom that night. But, mom got to see her sister-in-law, Joye, and niece Sheri, and the rest of the family, among others. But, how were we to know on Wed. night that moms days were numbered.
I am reminded of scripture that says, "Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom" We know not when our time is. Are we ready to meet Jesus?
As Rachel and I sat, one on each side of mom, holding her hands, hands that were now cold, in death, that once held so much life, we began to rebuild the bond that time has had a way of breaking down. Not form bad things, or by fault of anyone, but from the busyness of life. we talked, we laughed, we shed a tear or tow. Rachel said, as she held Memas hand, "Meme (her other grandma) is the reason I wanted to be a nurse. Mema is the reason I am in church." What an honor for mom. What a legacy she can leave behind.
After Sandy and Karen arrived, we sat a little longer with mom. I cried as we left. This time, mom was not going home from ER with me. this time, I was going home alone.
Time has a way of spinning on around us, going on as we endure through the numbness , the grief, the pain.
Surrounded by friends and family, I said goodnite one more time to mom on June 29th. Laying her mortal body to rest between dad and Calvin. Heaven is that much nearer and dearer to me now.

As I sit here in moms room, the quietness engulfs me like a fog. Moms voice, now stilled on earth, can no longer yell "help me", or say, "I love you, too", or "Whats on TV", or "wheres my music?", or pray at bedtime, "Help Sharon to get up and fix my breakfast in the morning. "....that was her nightly prayer when I tucked her in each night.
And, now that Merci is gone, too. the silence is even louder. No back talking from the dog, no biting kisses to greet me, no loud barking at everyone who enters or passes by.
I am cuddling my new puppy, Mazee, as Gracie lays quietly beside me. Sitting on moms bed, covered with a quilt made with love by her sister Marty, I quietly reflect on a life well lived.
mom was the best. She was the cream of the crop. She loved unconditionally; gave of her time with out complaint. She very seldom, if ever raised her voice in anger (a lesson I did not learn well from her :) ) I honestly don't remember her ever spanking me.....it was enough for her to say, "want me to tell dad when he gets home?" Mom was not fancy in any way. She did not need a lot of material possessions, although her home looked otherwise. That was because she grew up in the depression, and you kept everything, as you might be able to use it later. She was loving and patient with my sister and I. She handled quietly the rubber spiders and snakes in the clothespin bag, Her house was not immaculate, nor was it filthy, It was messy, and had a very lived in feeling. I have had some people say. "your moms house reminds me of my grandmas".He home was a place where you felt welcome, and you could relax. She faced hardships with a faith in Christ that is not widely seen.
She believed with all her heart in our heavenly Father. She lived a quiet life of faith, never afraid to share Christ with others, always willing to work hard, to give, to serve to lead by example.
mom worked hard all her life, never complaining, never saying in the midst of struggles or hard times that God dealt her a bad hand. Never saying what it?, never blaming others. She took life as it came to her, and she always trusted that God would supply and meet their needs.

In 2007, when moms hip broke, and the decision was made to move her in with me, although I knew it was the right thing to do, I also knew the selfish side of me did not want to give up my freedom, my independence. I did not want tied down with mom.
As time passed and we settled into a routine, I did enjoy having lunch ready over my lunch hour, and having help with the laundry and dishes.. Mom wanted to be useful, and helpful.
About a year after mom moved in I began to see that we might be dealing with dementia or Alzheimer's. One evening, after arriving home form work, mom was cooking supper and she repeated one phrase to me 20 time sin 30 minutes. "I thought if you would wash my red slacks, then I could just wear them to church on Sunday." Believe me, it was 20 times. I counted.
When I first realized we might be heading down the unknown path of dementia, I was embarrassed for myself. What if mom embarrassed me in public? I would be mortified. i knew our family would love her thru this time, but what of others? My thoughts turned to, "Will people make fun of her?", "Will I need ot protect her?" Mom never embarrassed me and I was never mortified. I was a few times upset, because my heart ached for mom. had she known some of the things hse did, it would have embarrassed her. Mom loved me unconditionally, and I'm sure I must have embarrassed her at times when I was young. how could I do less that love her unconditionally thru this stage in her life?
Our church family embraced mom with open arms and loved her unconditionally. She became Mema, not Violet, to her church family. Even as her mind wandered, and her memory faded, she was still my mom, and she was still loved. She always knew the hymns in church, and followed along in her Bible. That never left her. She would ask Ed almost every Sunday, "How do I look", to which he would reply, "You look fine"..

These last two years have been an honor and a blessing for me. To serve my mom and be blessed beyond measure because of it. I cannot say it was always joyous on my part or that I was always patient, but I always loved my mom.
God allowed me in a small way to repay mom for all the love and sacrifices she and dad made for me throughout my life. two years was not enough. I kept my promise to dad to take care of mom after he was gone. No matter how much time we have with them, it is never enough.

A mothers love runs strong and deep.
Channeled from heart to heart.

In memory of mom. Violet Viros Trembly Moss 1-8-1933 to 6-26-2009.

Merry CHRISTmas

Merry Christmas. It has been 2 months since i have posted anything. It has been a long fall for me, and there were days I did not care to write, to really talk to anyone.
I used to love Christmas time, with all the decorating and spending time with family, but this year has been different.
I put up 5 trees :) One big one, and 4 small ones, of which 3 were moms. I did not have the energy to put up all the decorations, and maybe that was because I was gone over the thanksgiving holiday and that is when I normally decorate.

Life is a circle, so to speak. Mom's room has once a gain become my bedroom/sewing room and it looks like a tornado struck it at the moment. And my bedroom will become the guest room, but for now it is home to Cerina and Cydnee. Due to some not so good circumstances, Cerina has had to make some changes in her life and in Cydnees(who is 3). it was not the best month for them to move in, but it was what was needed, so here they are. It will be much different than when mom lived with me, as mom could not follow me thru the house. Cydnee is always saying "play playdough with me".... Seeing things thru the eyes of a child again will be fun. Mazee is not sure about the intrusion, but I am sure she will soon be following Cydnee everywhere.

Which brings me to friends...............Where would we be without friends who help us out, by help in move around 2 bedrooms, who overlook the messiness of my home, who let me vent, knowing I'll feel better when done, who encourage me, who pray for me, who are just there for me.. I serve an awesome God who has given me an awesome church family, who are not just my friends, but my "second" family.

I have spent 4 of the last 5 weekends with my family, at birthday parties, our Thanksgiving meal and then time in Colorado. that in itself has been a blessing. The little ones are so cute, and this has given me opportunity to get to know them better. The yougnest one, Addisyn, is 9 months and she is the happiest baby I think I have ever seen. She watches the older ones tun and play with such anticipation on her face of the day she will be able to join them.
Christmas will be fun this year...........as it has been watching the children's faces light up.
Christmas eve with my sister and family and then Christmas day afternoon with Cerina and Cyd. this might be the year of starting new traditions, too. who knows what god has planned?

it has been almost 6 months since mom went to be with Jesus. It does not seem real many times. this past week I was sick, and I started to pick up the phone and call mom. I needed to hear her voice. then I remembered................. I almost made it thru Thanksgiving with out tears, until the last evening, saying goodbye to some of moms siblings...........
i have cried more this month. there is an ache deep inside that only time can heal. Mom is spending Christmas with dad and Jesus this year. I am so thankful that I know without a doubt that I will someday be spending Christmas with them again, too. I believe that god allows them to know some of what is going on here on earth. So mom and dad, and LeAnn..Merry Christmas. I love you and miss you.

Fall

Leaves fall silently from the branches of the tree
To the earth, like tears
Crying silently with me
As my tears fall silently down my cheeks.

3 months

9-25-2009

Tomorrow will be 3 months since God called mom home. At times it still seems like yesterday, and others, it seems like forever.
I am slowly realizing just how tired I was from taking care of mom, but I would do it all again tomorrow.
I think of mom often, and at times think, I need to tell her this or that, then remember she is not here to tell. I know she would have loved Mazee, and I think Mazee would have been a perfect lap dog and companion for mom.
Sometimes, I relive the day mom died in my mind. The part where the last thing she said to me was "Help me." I can still see her sitting there, saying help me, but not seeming to be in any pain. I believe god gave her that gift, of not feeling to much pain, of wrapping her in His loving arms, as He took her to be with Him.
We've celebrated birthdays and been to the county fair without mom, and it is not quite the same, but each time, it becomes a little easier. I have an awesome family and friends, who support me thru this time.
Some days I can picture mom in my mind very clearly. For some reason one of the most vivid memories is of mom in a pair of brown slacks, and a blue short sleeved sweatshirt. She is smiling and in the kitchen.
I miss moms cooking.........her fried chicken and scalloped potatoes. her meat loaf...cause mine never tastes quite like hers :) and her cherry cream pie.........
I don't cry every time I think or speak of mom now, but i still cry enough :)

I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to see her again someday. I'm so glad that I have the assurance of Jesus free gift of salvation, so I know that I will see mom, dad and LeAnn, and Cathy and MayAnn and others again someday.

If you don't know my Jesus, I'd be happy to introduce you to Him.