A Hard Day

9-5-09
Today, I started sorting thru moms things, and boxing, keeping, throwing away. I spent half the day reading old cards and sorting thru memories from times past. She has so many pictures. I put them all in one dresser, with hopes of sorting thru them this fall. I found cards from her bridal shower; mom and dads wedding invitation, my Grandma Moss's perfect attendance award from March 3, 1919; notes from moms senior trip; school records of dad, one from his 5th grade; and more...............
I even found a letter from mom's dad, writing to mom and dad when Sandy, my sister, was born. And several cards welcoming Sandy into the world............I think she will enjoy having those. Mom and dad lost a baby boy in 1954, at the age of 3weeks and one day. Calvin had some internal problems, but also developed pneumonia and jaundice. They were heartbroken when Calvin died, and I remember dad saying that is one of the only times he remembers seeing his dad cry. It was dads folks first grandchild. The 4th on moms side. No matter the order, it is heart wrenching to lose a child. Mom and dad did not talk much about Calvin, and until we moved mom to Wellington to live with me 2 years ago, did we even know that a picture of my brother was around. One had been found in Pa's stuff. Mom said Calvin had blond hair with a curl on his forehead, and his eyes were bluer each day. I remember growing up, looking at blue-eyed, blond guys and wondering if my brother would have looked like "that". Mom had always said that she and dad were not in church when Calvin was born, and she always believed that God chose to take Calvin to heaven, to bring them back to Him.
It seems as we sort thru another's "life", many memories come flooding back. I am not done in moms room. Her pictures are tucked safely away at the moment, and her clothes are sorted thru. Rachel wants some to put with her girls other great-grandma's clothes to make a quilt for them. I will use some in sewing, too. What a better way to make a special memory that can be kept close and treasured thru the years.
As I sorted thru her things and read papers, I saw a women who was willing to give. I found her autograph books from many many years ago (the 1940's) and it is awesome to read what others wrote about her.
Mom was a lady. Some may say just a "farm/ranch wife", but to me she was a classy lady. She stayed strong in her faith, thru good times and bad. She put her trust in the One and only One who can give us Life. She stood by dad, thru his health problems, and likewise, he with her thru hers. there were poor times, and not so poor times; there was sickness and health, there was better and there was worse. She, and dad, kept there wedding vows, and were an example to those around, that you can stay married thru many things. Mom loved her daughters unconditionally, and her grandchildren and great grandchildren the same...........Although, I think the great grandchildren were her pride and joy in old age............But that is okay. They brought her happiness, with their child innoncence, and their love for her and their smiles so freely given to her. She would have given anything, or done anything for any of her children........And although, I have no children, she loved my 2 chosen children, Cerina and Isaac, and my chosen granddaughter, Cydnee, as if they were her grandchildren. She loved teaching Sunday School and being a part of children's lives.
Mom has left a legacy for us. A legacy of faith, and Godly values. Of moral values, and right living. Of being honest and serving. A legacy of hard work, and giving.
I will ever be grateful to you, mom. I only hope that I can leave the same kind of legacy you have. You taught me by example more than words. you loved me unconditionally. Now, it's my turn to carry on for you.
I love you mom, with all my heart. The ache lessens as time passes, but you will forever live in my heart and memories.

Ramblings......

8-22-09

I accomplished so much today. All the laundry is done, not all folded, but clean :)

All the dishes are done...............after 3 loads int eh dishwasher and the big stuff hand washed. that is what happens when you have no desire to clean house and then you are sick.

I still have a knot on my jaw, but the pain is minimal. and I can eat solid foods again. YEA!

I have Isaac and Derek, my friends boys for the day/night, while they are at a volleyball tournament in KC. This is the 4th weekend in a row that Isaac has been here, and helped me. I think I will tell his parents tomorrow that I am gonna ask for 'weekend custody".. I am much more motivated when he is here helping me.

I have decided to rip out the carpet int he living room and kitchen, so we started today. that stuff is gross, and stinks, and needs out of here. i will treat the wood that is under it, and then I am thinking I will put down tile squares. I did moms bathroom (well it was moms bathroom) myself, and it looks pretty good. :)

Mazee even earned her keep today. Isaac and Derek went to their cousins birthday party this afternoon. while they were gone, we still have padding on the floor where the carpet is gone. Mazee started pulling up the padding in little chunks. It was so cute. She would only do it, though if she knew I wasn't watching.

Gracie has had a long day. She was shivering this morning, like she was chilling from her fever. She took her medicine like a good girl, and again this evening,and now she is asleep. She is starting to act better now. She is very tender in her haunches, so I have to be careful how I pick her up. I'm so glad she is doing better. I am afraid if I lost my "baby girl"-- I've had her 7 1/2 years, I would be a basket case. Gracie bonded with me right off, before I bought her, and has been my girl ever since. mazee is my girl, too. she really does not like anyone else.. Could be that I got them from the same lady, same farm over by Howard, KS......

Well, I guess I should stop for tonight. I have to remember I have a little one (okay 8 yrs old) but younger than Isaac (almost 12), and I need to get Derek in the tub, and ready for bed.


Praise be to the Lord, to God our Saviour, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

I am so glad I serve a risen Lord!

Longing for another "chat" with mom......

8-21-09

Sitting here tonight, I find that I long to have one more talk with mom. It has been one of those weeks where you just "need" to tell your mom what is going on.

My week started with getting a tooth pulled on Monday afternoon. It would not totally numb, so I told him to get it out anyway........Wrong answer.........there was a lot of nerve pain, and it ended up being infected. It was a root canal gone bad, that was not savable, which was to be finished up the day of moms funeral, but due to circumstances beyond our control, i did not get it finished til Monday. I ended up at home for 2 1/2 days, with a very swollen jaw/cheek, and lip. there is still some pain, and swelling, but much better than what it was. It doesn't matter how old we become, we still "want or need" our moms to say it will be okay.....:)

Mazee is laying on my lap as I type, and Gracie is on the floor beside me. I wanted to tell mom this week, as I "recuperated" and watched alot of TV (food network) :) that mazee was watching TV with me, just like Candy used to do when I was little. Candy would sit on the footstool and watch. Mazee lays on my lap, eyes glued to the set and ears standing at attention. While Gracie sleeps curled up between my feet on the recliner. I wanted to tell mom that Gracie is sick. She has a doggie bladder infection, and had to go to her least favorite place today, the vet's. She is fine at the vets, til we go in the "room", and she had to get on the exam table, then she goes ballistic.

And, today I learned that my favorite uncle, Chuck, has cancer. He is 87, and has made the choice to live his life without treatment, and live as long as God allows. I agree with him. His other option for treatment was skin grafting on his arm, and the possible loss of his arm. Why go thru that pain, and numerous hospital stays, when you can stay at home, surrounded by family who love you, and will care for you? I shed a few tears when I read the email, but as my cousin said, the tears are for us, not Chuck, who is ready to go home, to meet Jesus, and see his beloved wife again. My tears are for an uncle who was my favorite growing up. Might be because he was the one who lived closest to me, but no matter, he is still my favorite. Chuck and Cathy would keep me when dad and mom were both at work, which wasn't often, cause mom did not work alot when I was little, but I would not let Cathy put me to sleep. I had to have my "Chuck,", and I as I grew he would chide others that I was "his girl". I was. and I am. :)
I love you, Uncle Chuck. Always.
I love you mom, and dad. Always. I miss you. There are so many things I want to tell you, and share with you.
Thank you for the legacy of Christian beliefs, of being able to know that I will see you again some day, maybe sooner than we think, as we watch history play out before our eyes.

It's not the room that keeps the memories aliv.

8-3-2009
On Saturday, I started the reorganization of my home. It looks like I am moving in, not just rearranging. Moms room doesn't look like moms room anymore. It looks more like a storage room at the moment. I decided to leave my room in the back, where it is. It is quite cozy and quiet, and off the street.
Moms room will become the guest room,, the toy room, the sewing room and the TV room. The living room is now or soon will be a dining/sitting room. Not having the TV in there, really opened up space. It was not as hard to rearrange moms room as I thought it might be. But, I only moved furniture, I have not begun the task of sorting thru her stuff. I did box some up to move some stuff, but it is just in the box, not gone thru.. That will be harder, I'm sure.
I find that Sundays are the hardest for me. They were the most stressful days when mom was still with me. I guess I miss her sitting with me in church, seeing her sing the hymns, knowing she knew Jesus was walking with her no matter what.
It's not the room that keeps mom alive...........it's the memories deep inside................my heart.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Today would have been dads 78th birthday. I found after he was gone, that it was harder on Fathers day, than on his birthday.

This year, with mom gone, too. it has been a bit of a harder day.

When I was quite young, I had a dog named Peanuts, who was pint sized. :)

She went everywhere with me that she could. She rode in my bicycle basket, she heard all my secrets, she was my best friend. Mom even let her come in the house sometimes. She would go in the living room, get up in moms recliner and sit with her head on the arm of the chair, and watch me.

One time dad told me he thought I loved my dog more than I loved him. I climbed up on his lap and told him, "No, daddy, you're the best dog in the whole world."

After that, I would gt him fathers day and birthday cards with dog son them. especially after I moved out on my own. Most of the time I would sign them, "You're still the best dog in the whole world! Love, Sharon"

Sometimes dad would call me and when I would say hello, he would bark in the phone.



I miss dad more now that mom is gone, but I know they are together again.

I know we cannot turn back the hands of time, and if we could, would we? For our own selfish reasons we would bring back our parents, or loved ones..................but would they even want to come back, once they have seen heaven?
Heaven becomes nearer and dearer to us here, as loved ones pass on before us, especially when we can have that assurance that they are in heaven and we will see them again one day.
I miss mom and dad, but I would not bring them back. Not to this world that is going crazy, this world that is turning its back on God.

Mom and dad are the blessed ones, along with other of my family and my dear friend LeAnn. they are with Jesus, they have seen heaven and tasted of its glory. They are whole again, no pain, no suffering, no cancer, no memory loss.

I miss you dad.............I miss you mom..............
I'll see you some sweet day!

3 weeks ago

7-17-09
Three weeks ago today,mom went home to meet Jesus. In my head it has been 3 weeks, in my heart it seems forever.
I miss her as much now as ever. I miss coming home to hear
"what's for supper? I'm hungry"
"where's my cheeseburger and sprite?"
"help me"...........the words I came to almost hate are the words I miss the most.
I have been journaling in a notebook, and one of these days I will post it all. i am going to transfer a couple notes from my facebook page to here.
My head is ready to work on moms room, but my heart will not let me sort thru much yet. I am ready to move around the furniture, so I can get the big TV in there and out of the living room, which will become the dining/sitting room. I want a nice room to welcome guests/visitors. One where the TV is not staring at you, where you can sit and eat, or sit and visit.
Sometimes when I look at moms picture, it seems almost as if she is still sitting in her recliner, talking to me, or ready to nap.
Her favorite Bible verse, "Be still and know that I am God", is comign to mean more to me. I find that in the stillness and quietness we can find a closer peace with God. It is hard to be still and wait on Him, in His infinte wisdom, but I am learning

On another subject. My new baby Mazee is doinggreat. A little gunshy at times of new and strange noises. She and gracie are playign together and she brings me joy. She found her first roll of toilet paper last night. It was about half a roll, and she had a blast tearing it up. Yes, I know it makes a mess, but it made me laugh, and I needed that.

thank you to all who have conitnued to uphold me in prayer. It is by those prayers that I make it thru each day.

Continuing On

July 2, 2009
I decided it is time to start writing things again.
My heart is heavy as I sit here, missing mom, missing Merci, and wondering if the ache will ever go away. I know with time it will lessen, but right now it is fresh, it is new, and it hurts.
I can honestly say I would not have made it thru the last week without the many, many prayers of friends and family. They are what is holding me up.
the verse that keeps coming to mind is :"He will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Him."
Last Wednesday night, I took mom to Med. Lodge, where we watched Corbin, Camo, and Cade play t-ball. she got too hot but refused to miss the second game, so we stayed.
She slept alot on Thursday, but also talked clearer than usual at times during the day.
Friday morning, June 26, started as any other normal day for us. I got up at 7, let the dogs out, and said good morning to mom. She said "how long do I have to sleep?" I said as long as you want. she said ok. right before 8, when I left for work, I said, "Bye mom, I love you, see you at lunch." and her reply as usual: "bye Sharon, I love you,too."
Somewhere around 10:18 I was told the phone was for me, and I needed to answer it now. Deanna told me that mom was breathing erratically and she had called 911. i arrived at the house with the ambulance and found mom sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, leaned forward saying help me. She always says help me..........but she was cold and clammy. Deanna had started to shower mom, as that is what she wanted, when mom told her she needed her blanket. Deanna said she leaned forward like she was going to pass out, so Deanna got her out of the shower, and a top on her. When I tried to put her depend on, she could not stand up. But she said she didn't hurt anywhere.
The EMT kept asking if she had a DNR and I could not remember. I just thought she had gotten to hot Wed. night and it was just now affecting her.
By the time they had mom out of the house on a chair and onto the cot, I really think she was at that time becoming unresponsive. I arrived at eh hospital with the ambulance,and went in to the Er room with her. they kept asking for the DNR........all I had was a living will. They said you have to make a decision. I said try. They called a code blue, but I still did not think I was losing her. I had dropped my stuff in the hallway. I was holding moms hand, and I told her, "I love you , mom, don't leave me. I'm not leaving you." I decided I needed to call Sandy and the nurse said it is very grave. Dr. Weigand came out shortly after I called Sandy and put his arm around my shoulder and said "she's gone". I cried! Not my mom. She was fine when I left for work. Not my mom. She had never had heart problems, only a murmur. Sandy later said it was 10:46 when I called her and said mom was gone. less than 30 minutes, and no time to say goodbye. I know as a believer, it is not goodbye, it is just goodnight, for a little while, but i didn't get to tell her all the things I thought I would before she was gone.
I sat with mom for almost 2 hours after she was gone. Pastor, Deanna and Bryanna stayed with me til Rachel arrived. My friend VIcki, also came to check on me. Rachel and I sat, one on each side of mom, and talked. It was a special moment, with a very special lady. Rachel told me Meme, her other grandma, is why she wanted to be a nurse, but Mema was why she was in church. What better legacy to leave your family.
It still does not seem real. I turned at the family visitation at the funeral home Sunday evening to "check on mom" to make sure she was okay, and then remembered. Heather said "she's just fine " :)
The service was Monday morning, and it was beautiful. Pastor tom did a great job with the little we gave him to go on. I had started "preparing" for this day, but always thought it was way down the road. Mom told me thru the years since dad passed what she wanted, and we did what she wanted, it was mainly what scripture she wanted shared. So, I went thru her Bible and found verses she had marked, and gave those to Tom. I knew that the main thing mom wanted people to know was that she was a Christian, and that that was her hope and prayer for all her family and friends: to know Christ in a personal way.
Tuesday morning my sister brought me home, and that afternoon, while standing outside talking to a friend, my dogs were beside me, as they had missed "mommy" so much. A car came down the street and Merci darted out in front of it, and was hit and killed instantly. I remember screaming and yelling her name and then going to the ground while holding Gracie. The lady in the car stopped and I know she felt horrible. I told her it was no ones fault. My friends grandson had let the dogs off the porch, so he was blaming himself, but it was me who said open the gate and let her come to me. My heart ached even more that night, now that mom and Merci were both gone. the house was extremely quiet. Mom was not her to repeat "help me" 50 times a night, and Merci was not here to back talk me. and, yes, Merci would talk back anytime I disciplined her.
I woke in the night Tuesday, and just knew my next dog would be named Mazee. Gracie and I were both so down, that on Wed. morning I called the place where I got Gracie from, and the lady had 2 4 1/2 month old female rat terriers. So, wed. afternoon, Gracie and I made a road trip to get Mazee. She is very timid right now, but has licked my hand a couple times. she will curl up and sleep on my lap. She made a little bark tonight, so we are making progress.

I know the pain will ease, and it will get easier with time. Right now, though, it hurts.
I have been blessed with a great family and many great friends, who I can count on to see me thru.
I also serve an awesome God, who I know has not left my side. He has heard my uttering and my cries, and He is and will be my strength.

I have lots more I want to write, but that is all for tonight.

Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts. It means so much to me.
Sharon