Continuing On

July 2, 2009
I decided it is time to start writing things again.
My heart is heavy as I sit here, missing mom, missing Merci, and wondering if the ache will ever go away. I know with time it will lessen, but right now it is fresh, it is new, and it hurts.
I can honestly say I would not have made it thru the last week without the many, many prayers of friends and family. They are what is holding me up.
the verse that keeps coming to mind is :"He will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Him."
Last Wednesday night, I took mom to Med. Lodge, where we watched Corbin, Camo, and Cade play t-ball. she got too hot but refused to miss the second game, so we stayed.
She slept alot on Thursday, but also talked clearer than usual at times during the day.
Friday morning, June 26, started as any other normal day for us. I got up at 7, let the dogs out, and said good morning to mom. She said "how long do I have to sleep?" I said as long as you want. she said ok. right before 8, when I left for work, I said, "Bye mom, I love you, see you at lunch." and her reply as usual: "bye Sharon, I love you,too."
Somewhere around 10:18 I was told the phone was for me, and I needed to answer it now. Deanna told me that mom was breathing erratically and she had called 911. i arrived at the house with the ambulance and found mom sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, leaned forward saying help me. She always says help me..........but she was cold and clammy. Deanna had started to shower mom, as that is what she wanted, when mom told her she needed her blanket. Deanna said she leaned forward like she was going to pass out, so Deanna got her out of the shower, and a top on her. When I tried to put her depend on, she could not stand up. But she said she didn't hurt anywhere.
The EMT kept asking if she had a DNR and I could not remember. I just thought she had gotten to hot Wed. night and it was just now affecting her.
By the time they had mom out of the house on a chair and onto the cot, I really think she was at that time becoming unresponsive. I arrived at eh hospital with the ambulance,and went in to the Er room with her. they kept asking for the DNR........all I had was a living will. They said you have to make a decision. I said try. They called a code blue, but I still did not think I was losing her. I had dropped my stuff in the hallway. I was holding moms hand, and I told her, "I love you , mom, don't leave me. I'm not leaving you." I decided I needed to call Sandy and the nurse said it is very grave. Dr. Weigand came out shortly after I called Sandy and put his arm around my shoulder and said "she's gone". I cried! Not my mom. She was fine when I left for work. Not my mom. She had never had heart problems, only a murmur. Sandy later said it was 10:46 when I called her and said mom was gone. less than 30 minutes, and no time to say goodbye. I know as a believer, it is not goodbye, it is just goodnight, for a little while, but i didn't get to tell her all the things I thought I would before she was gone.
I sat with mom for almost 2 hours after she was gone. Pastor, Deanna and Bryanna stayed with me til Rachel arrived. My friend VIcki, also came to check on me. Rachel and I sat, one on each side of mom, and talked. It was a special moment, with a very special lady. Rachel told me Meme, her other grandma, is why she wanted to be a nurse, but Mema was why she was in church. What better legacy to leave your family.
It still does not seem real. I turned at the family visitation at the funeral home Sunday evening to "check on mom" to make sure she was okay, and then remembered. Heather said "she's just fine " :)
The service was Monday morning, and it was beautiful. Pastor tom did a great job with the little we gave him to go on. I had started "preparing" for this day, but always thought it was way down the road. Mom told me thru the years since dad passed what she wanted, and we did what she wanted, it was mainly what scripture she wanted shared. So, I went thru her Bible and found verses she had marked, and gave those to Tom. I knew that the main thing mom wanted people to know was that she was a Christian, and that that was her hope and prayer for all her family and friends: to know Christ in a personal way.
Tuesday morning my sister brought me home, and that afternoon, while standing outside talking to a friend, my dogs were beside me, as they had missed "mommy" so much. A car came down the street and Merci darted out in front of it, and was hit and killed instantly. I remember screaming and yelling her name and then going to the ground while holding Gracie. The lady in the car stopped and I know she felt horrible. I told her it was no ones fault. My friends grandson had let the dogs off the porch, so he was blaming himself, but it was me who said open the gate and let her come to me. My heart ached even more that night, now that mom and Merci were both gone. the house was extremely quiet. Mom was not her to repeat "help me" 50 times a night, and Merci was not here to back talk me. and, yes, Merci would talk back anytime I disciplined her.
I woke in the night Tuesday, and just knew my next dog would be named Mazee. Gracie and I were both so down, that on Wed. morning I called the place where I got Gracie from, and the lady had 2 4 1/2 month old female rat terriers. So, wed. afternoon, Gracie and I made a road trip to get Mazee. She is very timid right now, but has licked my hand a couple times. she will curl up and sleep on my lap. She made a little bark tonight, so we are making progress.

I know the pain will ease, and it will get easier with time. Right now, though, it hurts.
I have been blessed with a great family and many great friends, who I can count on to see me thru.
I also serve an awesome God, who I know has not left my side. He has heard my uttering and my cries, and He is and will be my strength.

I have lots more I want to write, but that is all for tonight.

Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts. It means so much to me.
Sharon